A Health / Life Update!

Hey Friends,

I realized the other day that I've been seriously lagging behind on the blog front! I thought I'd fix that and write a little post with some updates on the things that have been going on lately. Over the last few months, we think we've started to gain a better understanding of what's been going on with my health these last couple of years.

Long story short, we found that I have a bacterial overgrowth/infection in my small intestine. We believe that has caused the known damage in my pancreas, intestinal lining, and GI tract in general. My doctor thinks the damage is significant enough that toxins and other substances could have gotten into my bloodstream, which could be a big part of what has been causing many of the non-digestive symptoms and issues throughout the rest of my body. This "diagnosis" is something we'd looked at a while back. When we treated it and I didn't get much better, we figured there must have been something more significant going on. But we realized that it was never successfully treated and that it's possibly been at the root of things this entire time.

You might think that this would be a fairly easy thing to treat. I mean, how hard is it to kill a few bugs, right? But with the type(s) of bacteria, where they are located, how long they've been there, and the damage that has been done, it's actually quite tricky. So far, we haven't been successful in finding the right combination of diet and treatment to get rid of these angry little guys and allow me to begin healing. We're still not sure that we have a full grasp on the extent of it all. We know we're still missing a piece or two of the puzzle yet, such other potential contributing factors or underlying causes, and we're waiting on some test results that will hopefully give us some clues as to what those might be.

We've gotten to the point where my weight loss and malnutrition status are now more of an issue than the bacteria. It's been a pretty overwhelming couple of weeks, physically and emotionally, as I've had to come to terms with the fact that my body has kind of crossed a line that I was hoping to avoid crossing. The bacteria are now taking a back seat as we put our focus on getting me back to a healthy weight and more nourished state. Once we do that, we'll reassess the situation. It's very possible that some symptoms we've been attributing to bacteria are actually being caused by malnutrition, so I am quite curious to see if and how much I improve with this change in focus. 

This new plan will involve a pretty significant change in diet. I do have some concerns about that, but I know it's important. My focus will be on high calorie and low volume foods, which is essentially the exact opposite of what I have been doing these last two years. My doctor actually did say, "If you can eat some pizza from Old Chicago without reacting too badly, I want you to do it." Haha! We'll also be trying to keep things as easy to digest as possible so that I don't overwhelm my system too much, but I have been told to prepare for this to be a bit of a hard and temporarily unpleasant process.

My taste buds will sure enjoy it though! I've missed so many things, so I am excited to have more "food freedom." I've been over-analyzing every bite of food for so long, worrying that almost anything I eat could somehow feed the bacteria or cause a flare in symptoms. It's very possible that stressing so much and over-limiting my diet has actually made things worse. (I read this article the other day, and it resonated so much with where I'm at.) So, in addition to my doctors, I've also started seeing a nutritional therapist who will be guiding this process and helping me work through the food-related anxieties I've developed.

I haven't been able to get out and do too much other than church-related activities these last couple of weeks. For this next little while, it will be important for me to conserve as much energy and as many calories as I can. My mom took this last week off from work so that she could be at home to monitor my health, cook for me, take me to my appointments, and keep me company. (If you're reading this, mom, thank you! You have sacrificed so much for me over these last couple of years, and I truly couldn't have made it through without you.) 

Sometimes people ask me what in the world I've been doing with all my time and how I haven't lost my mind by now. Haha. Believe me, sometimes it takes all I have to keep from going crazy. But I usually don't mind spending time alone. In a very big way, I think being an introvert has helped me in handling this season.

I did actually take a trip to Florida with my mom and brother the first week of June! It was my first time doing any real traveling in about two years. It was so great to get away for a little while, see the ocean, and take a little time to refresh. I also got to see and catch up with a great friend I'd met while I was in South Africa who was in Florida on holiday. I loved getting to reconnect with him for a bit! All things considered, I felt pretty good for the majority of the time I was there. Thank you to everyone who was praying for that for me. I know a lot of you were, and God sure answered that prayer! 

In general, when I am able to go out, one of my favorite things to do is spend time with my church family. When I came home from South Africa in the fall of 2015, my plan was to "get better quickly" and then find a job somewhere, anywhere, not in Kansas. I had no desire to stay here. That changed when I found The Gathering. I love how much my church loves Jesus and how passionate and committed they are to being and making disciples. I never thought I'd say I feel called to be here, but I do. God has been and is getting ready to do some incredible things in Newton, and I'm so thankful and excited to be a part of it.

On the days I stay in, I often spend my time reading, journaling, sitting outside, listening to music, taking glorious naps, watching (sometimes too much) Netflix, listening to sermons and podcasts, Skyping or catching up with friends who don't live in the area, and doing occasional freelance writing and/or editing work. I also enjoy doing gentle yoga, deep breathing, and other simple exercises or techniques that help with stress relief and digestive function. (We're actually working on getting me in with a physical therapist so that I can start putting a little more focus on that area of things. I'm kind of excited about that!)

I also spend a lot of time with Jesus. Pursuing Him and His plans in the midst of the crazy, beautiful mess of this season and allowing Him to take my life in a far different direction than I'd ever planned or imagined has been the best decision I could have ever made. Time after time, He's shown me how He's been walking this journey right along with me, even when I've doubted Him or pulled away. He's shown me that He is constant, even when everything else around me seems uncertain. He has grown me and challenged me. He has reminded me of how much I have to be thankful for. He has made me more aware of who He is, of His unwavering love for me, of who I am to Him, and of who He has called me to be. 

Earlier this year, I participated in a 12-week Disciple Life leadership course through my church. It was an incredible experience that helped me learn so much about what it truly means to be a disciple, where I'm at in my own spiritual journey, my strengths and gifts, and the areas I still need to grow in when it comes to being on mission with Jesus. Spending time working through those things with God  has been wonderful, difficult, and eye-opening all at the same time. 

Over the last couple of weeks, I've really felt God challenging and encouraging me to start praying differently about my health. I've been praying for healing throughout this season, but those prayers haven't always been consistent or full of expectant faith. More than for healing, I've been praying for His will and timing. I know that's not a bad thing to pray for, of course, but God has been making it clear that He wants me to start praying more boldly and confidently for full physical healing - asking Him for it, truly believing for it, and thanking Him for it. This has been confirmed through sermons, messages, scripture, and words and encouragements others have shared with me. He has been the One authoring and leading me through this season, and I know He is the One who will lead me out of it. However and whenever that happens, I'm praying that He will be glorified through every single part of it. I'm praying that I will come out of this season with a testimony and a God story that will lead others to Christ and help them experience His love and grace.

Honestly, it doesn't surprise me that I've had an extra rough couple of weeks right when I believe I've been hearing from God. Spiritual warfare is very real. So I'm going to do my best to continue trusting and leaning in even further. The songs "Shadow Step" and "Not Today" from Hillsong United's new album Wonder have been part of my prayers and praise every morning. (If you haven't listened to the album yet, you should! I've had it on repeat for weeks.)

This has been such an important season of growth and preparation. I truly believe that there is a "next" coming soon and that I will be healthy for it. I have no idea what that is or what it will look like, but I'm in a place where I'm excited for and open to whatever God has planned and wherever He leads me - even if it's something completely unexpected. I am praying and believing that new season will start soon. If you'd like to, I'd love for you to join me in that. :) 

I know I usually end every post with a thank you paragraph, but I still feel like I don't say it nearly enough. So, THANK YOU to each and every one of you who has been a part of this season of my life - from near or far - by praying for me, speaking life, sharing words of encouragement, allowing me to vent, cooking for me, laughing with me, truly listening to me, coming over and staying in with me when I'm not up to going out, putting up with me on my bad days, walking with me through it all, and/or simply being there for me when I've needed a friend. It all has meant more than you could possibly know.


P.S.  If any of this has connected with you, don't hesitate to reach out. I have learned so much about how the health of your gut can impact your overall health. This area of research has been gaining a lot of ground in recent years. It truly is fascinating stuff! I realize it may not be the most popular or comfortable topic to talk about, but it's become a big part of my life and story. I can definitely direct you to some great resources if you're interested. :)

The Beautiful Mess

Hey Friends,

It’s been a weird and overwhelming couple of weeks. I haven’t really been able to get a solid grasp on everything that I’ve been thinking and feeling lately. My mind is jumbled, spinning, filled with a bunch of disjointed and incoherent thoughts. When things like this happen, I often turn to writing to sort it all out. Sometimes the results are too personal to share. Sometimes I’m left feeling more confused than when I started. On somewhat rare occasions, my bursts of writing make their way into blog posts. If you’re reading this now, I guess this was one of those times.

I’ve been pretty “off” lately - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. There’s been quite a sudden and noticeable change in how I’ve felt in all of those areas during the last couple of weeks. Although each of those individual areas shouldn’t necessarily have a direct impact on the others, it very much seems like they have. The physical changes came first, followed by the emotional and spiritual changes.

Physically, I’m exhausted. I’ve been feeling worse than I have in a while. Maybe that’s partly because I’ve been busier than what has been “normal” for me recently. Maybe that’s a sign my body is taking another step down the fine line it has been walking for quite some time. Maybe it's a combination of the two or something else entirely. Whatever the reason, it worries me. I don’t like that I often can’t even go get my hair cut or make it through a church service without needing to take the next few hours to recover. I don’t like how a lot of the symptoms that went away for a while have started to come back. I don’t like that I rely so heavily on IV nutrients and vitamins. I don’t like how suddenly my body can feel like it’s attacking itself from many different directions.

Emotionally, my heart has been heavy. I feel like I'm caught up in a constant and very quickly rotating cycle of highs and lows. I find myself overwhelmed by all of the back and forth and ups and downs that have come in my health journey. It’s now 2017, which means that I’ve been sick for almost two years. Two years is a long time to be constantly sick with no answers. Truthfully, I don’t even remember what being healthy feels like. Every time we think we’re close to an answer, that door gets slammed shut. It has been far from easy, and I don’t know if my heart can handle another specialist saying something like, “Sorry, I can see that you’re clearly sick, but I don’t think I can help you.”

I often feel like I’m being a bad friend. I crave meaningful conversations and relationships, but lately the way I feel physically has made it hard to for me to be fully focused and present when talking to someone. Even if they don’t notice it, I do, and I don’t like feeling absent in my relationships.

I often feel like I’m putting on a mask – like I’m acting as though I’m okay, even when I’m not. I catch myself rehearsing what I'll say when someone asks me how I'm doing. I worry about burdening people by being honest with them. They have their own lives and problems to focus on, and I worry that they’ll get tired of hearing about mine. But pretending is physically and emotionally exhausting. I know I need to do a better job, within reason, of being honest with myself and with others about how I’m feeling.

I often find myself feeling torn between what I want to do and what my body needs me to do. I’ve had a hard time finding a balance between getting enough rest and being intentional about using my energy in positive, productive, and purposeful ways. When I do have to miss out on something important, I feel that very deeply. As an example, I wasn’t feeling well enough to go to Neighborhood Church last night. The Gathering has been such a wonderful and vital part of this season. It is my favorite place to be, and I know that being involved there is an important part of how God wants me to use my time. Yesterday was the first time I felt badly enough to make the decision stay in from a church-related involvement. I very much missed the opportunity to connect with the people in my group, build relationships, and grow together in faith.

Spiritually, I find myself in a strange place where I have a passion and desire to seek, serve, and love God more than I ever have before, but I also feel like my health status, worries, and doubts keep getting in the way of that. I often find myself having difficulty focusing during my time with God because of how I feel physically. I find myself falling back into wondering if it’s somehow my fault that I’m still sick. I find myself questioning what God is doing and why it is taking so long. I've allowed my mind to wander into places it shouldn't be. I find myself jumping ahead of God, focusing on and getting distracted by things I know I’m not ready for and that it’s not time for yet. 

I haven’t stopped trusting Him, but I've had a hard time staying in a place of peace and contentment like the apostle Paul so beautifully describes in Philippians 4:11-13.

I keep all of these things trapped inside more than I should, but God takes the weight of it when I let it go – every time. He steadies my heart. He takes me back to the cross. He reminds me that He sees me and that He hears me. He reminds me of who He is. He reminds me that He already has it all figured out. He reminds me that this is an important season of growth and preparation. He reminds me that big things are coming. He reminds me that His timing is always better than mine. He reminds me how fortunate I am to be able to spend many of my days resting quietly with Him. He reminds me of all the incredible ways He is and has been working. He reminds me of how much I have to be thankful for.

He reminds me of all of those things much more often than He should ever have to. He has been so, so good to me. He has been incredibly patient, and He has blessed me so far above and beyond what I will ever deserve.

With all of my heart, I'm praying and believing that the ways God is working in this season of my life will become an avenue He uses to reach someone – or many people.  I'm praying for a God story that He will use to help and encourage someone during a time of hurting. I'm praying for a testimony that will lead others to find their true meaning and purpose in Christ.

Maybe I should be paying more attention to how those things can be or already are happening right now. I've been so focused on needing to be "well" and have the full picture of this season before I can truly seek those opportunities. But no where in the Bible does it tell us to wait to share our faith. Maybe how He wants to use me in the midst of it is all part of the beautiful, messy journey. 

I need to remind myself that I can still be "all-in" with God right where I'm at, even if that doesn't look exactly the way I wish it did. I need to remain focused and present in where God has me now instead of trying to rush ahead of Him. I need to let go of what I can't control and cling to what God promises in scripture. I need to intentionally align myself with His Word. I need to be okay with having bad days but not okay with allowing myself to wallow in them. I need to get my mind away from the bad and immersed in the good. I need to continue to remind myself to seek Him daily, listen to His voice and His prompting, rest in His love and promises, and chase after all that He's wanting to do in and through me during this season. I want every word I speak, every action I take, and every decision I make to point to and glorify Him.

I’ll be heading up to the KU Medical Center in Kansas City on the 17th for an appointment with a doctor who specializes in cases that are complex and hard to diagnose. I would appreciate prayers for safe travels, for wisdom for the specialist, for direction and answers, and for continued trust in God’s timing through it all.

Thank you to those of you who have been praying for me during this time. I find such an incredible amount of comfort in knowing that someone is genuinely praying for me. Thank you to those who have been fiercely loving me through all of this, even when I haven’t had the energy to give much in return. Thank you to those who have shared what God has spoken to you about this season of my life. Thank you to those who have passed on wisdom. Thank you to those who have listened when I’ve needed a friend. Thank you to those who have simply been present with me when I haven't felt up to doing much of anything. Thank you to those who have seen and accepted me at my worst. Thank you for all the ways, big and small, that so many of you have encouraged and supported me.

There is so much that I don't yet see or understand, but I do know that God is good, that He is faithful, that He has a plan, that He is always on time, that His promises are true, and that He loves me with a love that is greater and more powerful than I could ever comprehend. I also know that is enough. 


"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." - James 1:2-4

"Ensure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as His children." "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." - Hebrews 11:7,11

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28