The Beautiful Mess

Hey Friends,

It’s been a weird and overwhelming couple of weeks. I haven’t really been able to get a solid grasp on everything that I’ve been thinking and feeling lately. My mind is jumbled, spinning, filled with a bunch of disjointed and incoherent thoughts. When things like this happen, I often turn to writing to sort it all out. Sometimes the results are too personal to share. Sometimes I’m left feeling more confused than when I started. On somewhat rare occasions, my bursts of writing make their way into blog posts. If you’re reading this now, I guess this was one of those times.

I’ve been pretty “off” lately - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. There’s been quite a sudden and noticeable change in how I’ve felt in all of those areas during the last couple of weeks. Although each of those individual areas shouldn’t necessarily have a direct impact on the others, it very much seems like they have. The physical changes came first, followed by the emotional and spiritual changes.

Physically, I’m exhausted. I’ve been feeling worse than I have in a while. Maybe that’s partly because I’ve been busier than what has been “normal” for me recently. Maybe that’s a sign my body is taking another step down the fine line it has been walking for quite some time. Maybe it's a combination of the two or something else entirely. Whatever the reason, it worries me. I don’t like that I often can’t even go get my hair cut or make it through a church service without needing to take the next few hours to recover. I don’t like how a lot of the symptoms that went away for a while have started to come back. I don’t like that I rely so heavily on IV nutrients and vitamins. I don’t like how suddenly my body can feel like it’s attacking itself from many different directions.

Emotionally, my heart has been heavy. I feel like I'm caught up in a constant and very quickly rotating cycle of highs and lows. I find myself overwhelmed by all of the back and forth and ups and downs that have come in my health journey. It’s now 2017, which means that I’ve been sick for almost two years. Two years is a long time to be constantly sick with no answers. Truthfully, I don’t even remember what being healthy feels like. Every time we think we’re close to an answer, that door gets slammed shut. It has been far from easy, and I don’t know if my heart can handle another specialist saying something like, “Sorry, I can see that you’re clearly sick, but I don’t think I can help you.”

I often feel like I’m being a bad friend. I crave meaningful conversations and relationships, but lately the way I feel physically has made it hard to for me to be fully focused and present when talking to someone. Even if they don’t notice it, I do, and I don’t like feeling absent in my relationships.

I often feel like I’m putting on a mask – like I’m acting as though I’m okay, even when I’m not. I catch myself rehearsing what I'll say when someone asks me how I'm doing. I worry about burdening people by being honest with them. They have their own lives and problems to focus on, and I worry that they’ll get tired of hearing about mine. But pretending is physically and emotionally exhausting. I know I need to do a better job, within reason, of being honest with myself and with others about how I’m feeling.

I often find myself feeling torn between what I want to do and what my body needs me to do. I’ve had a hard time finding a balance between getting enough rest and being intentional about using my energy in positive, productive, and purposeful ways. When I do have to miss out on something important, I feel that very deeply. As an example, I wasn’t feeling well enough to go to Neighborhood Church last night. The Gathering has been such a wonderful and vital part of this season. It is my favorite place to be, and I know that being involved there is an important part of how God wants me to use my time. Yesterday was the first time I felt badly enough to make the decision stay in from a church-related involvement. I very much missed the opportunity to connect with the people in my group, build relationships, and grow together in faith.

Spiritually, I find myself in a strange place where I have a passion and desire to seek, serve, and love God more than I ever have before, but I also feel like my health status, worries, and doubts keep getting in the way of that. I often find myself having difficulty focusing during my time with God because of how I feel physically. I find myself falling back into wondering if it’s somehow my fault that I’m still sick. I find myself questioning what God is doing and why it is taking so long. I've allowed my mind to wander into places it shouldn't be. I find myself jumping ahead of God, focusing on and getting distracted by things I know I’m not ready for and that it’s not time for yet. 

I haven’t stopped trusting Him, but I've had a hard time staying in a place of peace and contentment like the apostle Paul so beautifully describes in Philippians 4:11-13.

I keep all of these things trapped inside more than I should, but God takes the weight of it when I let it go – every time. He steadies my heart. He takes me back to the cross. He reminds me that He sees me and that He hears me. He reminds me of who He is. He reminds me that He already has it all figured out. He reminds me that this is an important season of growth and preparation. He reminds me that big things are coming. He reminds me that His timing is always better than mine. He reminds me how fortunate I am to be able to spend many of my days resting quietly with Him. He reminds me of all the incredible ways He is and has been working. He reminds me of how much I have to be thankful for.

He reminds me of all of those things much more often than He should ever have to. He has been so, so good to me. He has been incredibly patient, and He has blessed me so far above and beyond what I will ever deserve.

With all of my heart, I'm praying and believing that the ways God is working in this season of my life will become an avenue He uses to reach someone – or many people.  I'm praying for a God story that He will use to help and encourage someone during a time of hurting. I'm praying for a testimony that will lead others to find their true meaning and purpose in Christ.

Maybe I should be paying more attention to how those things can be or already are happening right now. I've been so focused on needing to be "well" and have the full picture of this season before I can truly seek those opportunities. But no where in the Bible does it tell us to wait to share our faith. Maybe how He wants to use me in the midst of it is all part of the beautiful, messy journey. 

I need to remind myself that I can still be "all-in" with God right where I'm at, even if that doesn't look exactly the way I wish it did. I need to remain focused and present in where God has me now instead of trying to rush ahead of Him. I need to let go of what I can't control and cling to what God promises in scripture. I need to intentionally align myself with His Word. I need to be okay with having bad days but not okay with allowing myself to wallow in them. I need to get my mind away from the bad and immersed in the good. I need to continue to remind myself to seek Him daily, listen to His voice and His prompting, rest in His love and promises, and chase after all that He's wanting to do in and through me during this season. I want every word I speak, every action I take, and every decision I make to point to and glorify Him.

I’ll be heading up to the KU Medical Center in Kansas City on the 17th for an appointment with a doctor who specializes in cases that are complex and hard to diagnose. I would appreciate prayers for safe travels, for wisdom for the specialist, for direction and answers, and for continued trust in God’s timing through it all.

Thank you to those of you who have been praying for me during this time. I find such an incredible amount of comfort in knowing that someone is genuinely praying for me. Thank you to those who have been fiercely loving me through all of this, even when I haven’t had the energy to give much in return. Thank you to those who have shared what God has spoken to you about this season of my life. Thank you to those who have passed on wisdom. Thank you to those who have listened when I’ve needed a friend. Thank you to those who have simply been present with me when I haven't felt up to doing much of anything. Thank you to those who have seen and accepted me at my worst. Thank you for all the ways, big and small, that so many of you have encouraged and supported me.

There is so much that I don't yet see or understand, but I do know that God is good, that He is faithful, that He has a plan, that He is always on time, that His promises are true, and that He loves me with a love that is greater and more powerful than I could ever comprehend. I also know that is enough. 


"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." - James 1:2-4

"Ensure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as His children." "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." - Hebrews 11:7,11

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28