A reflection on where I've been, where I'm at, and where I hope to go
Ephesians 2:4-5 says: “But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.”
Ephesians 2:4-5 says: “But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.”
My spiritual life used to consist of checking things off a
list. Go to church every Sunday? Check. Participate in service trips with my
youth group? Check. Pray for someone? Check. Help out with Vacation Bible
School? Check. I enjoyed doing those things, but I also had a sense of having
to do them in order to be a ‘good Christian.’
I was, very much, just going through the motions. When
someone would ask me about my faith, my answer was rehearsed and memorized. I
had it down. I said what I thought they probably wanted to hear. How could I be
honest with others about the way I was feeling when I didn’t even want to admit
it to myself? I knew something was missing. A lot was missing. Christianity
couldn’t possibly just be about fighting to have the most checked boxes and
acting as though you have it all together. But I didn’t know where to turn.
I continued that way for a very long time. I hid all of my
doubts, fears, and shame from everyone, including myself. Every time I attempted
to get out of that place or just push all those thoughts aside, I would come
right back to the same general conclusion – keep doing, keep trying – you’ll
get there eventually. I thought that, perhaps, if I did enough ‘good’ then maybe
someday I would finally feel like God loved and accepted me.
Perhaps this mindset partly came from the fact that many of
the things that hold a certain value in my life have been earned through hard
work and following a set of standards. These include my grades, acknowledgement
from professors and colleagues, scholarships, my college degree, previous jobs, and various academic and professional awards. I had to prove myself. Perseverance
and hard work = achievement. Right?
As I mentioned in my previous post, I accepted Christ about two
years ago at Hillsong Church in Cape Town. When Pastor Phil Dooley was sharing
the message of the gospel in his sermon that morning, 11 simple words he said
changed everything for me.
“Stop trying so hard. You don’t have to be good enough.”
In that moment, it finally made sense. I was trying to earn
a love that doesn’t need to be earned.
I’m not saying that living a life driven by the gospel is
easy and won’t come with its own set of hard work and challenges. Sometimes it
will. You’ll probably have to get uncomfortable. But God’s love, mercy, and
grace don’t have to be earned. They are gifts from God given to us through Christ.
Our sins were forgiven and our slates wiped clean when Christ suffered and died
on the cross in our place.
Psalm 103:12 - “…as
far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from
us.”
J.D. Greear writes in his book, "Gospel," “The gospel turns
religion upside down. The gospel assures us of God’s acceptance, given to us as
a gift earned by Christ’s worthiness, not ours” (36). He later continues, “Jesus’
death paid for every ounce of your sin; His perfect life has now been credited
to you.” … “Christ’s obedience is so spectacular there is nothing we could do
to add to it; His death so final that nothing could take away from it” (48).
When I truly stop to let all of that sink in, the weight of
it is overwhelming. It’s hard to even begin to comprehend that kind of
everlasting and unconditional love, and I probably won't ever fully be
able to. But out of the realization of what Christ has done for me has grown a
passion to offer and live my life for Him.
The idea of ‘failure’ and needing to be ‘good enough’ is an
aspect of my faith that I still struggle with. I think my tendency to worry about
and overthink so many things in my life plays a large part in that. At times, when I fall short and make
mistakes, I find myself pulling away from God when I should be doing the exact
opposite. It’s like I’m still worried that someday I’ll slip up just enough for
Him to draw the line. But His grace is bigger than all of my sins, weaknesses, and failures. He’s bigger than yours, too. He is bigger than all of it. I know
that there isn’t anything I can do that will ever weaken or strengthen His
love, and if I want to live a life dedicated to Christ, I can’t be unsure or
doubtful of that.
A life dedicated to Christ.
What exactly does that mean? What does it look like? This
has been another topic of reflection as I’m preparing to go South Africa.
Written in large letters across one of the walls of the church I attend in Topeka is - “We exist to make Jesus real to the world.”
Mark 16:15 – “And he
said to them, “Go into all the world
and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation.”
When it comes down to it, we are here to love God, love one
another with Christ-like love, and seek the ways God wants to use us to further
His Kingdom here on Earth. We are to be His disciples. We each have been
blessed with unique talents, spiritual gifts, and life situations, so this
probably looks differently for each and every one of us. But ultimately, I think,
that’s what we’re here to do.
It is far too easy for to me to lose sight of this, become “too
busy,” or get sidetracked by various distractions, temptations, and my own
selfish wants and desires. I don’t always chase after Him and His plans for my
life as much as I should or as much as I want to. This is something I will
strive to keep at the forefront of my mind during my time in South Africa and
beyond. I know He has plans for me there, and I hope I’m both open and brave
enough to go after them.
We all have a purpose. We all have a place. In Him we will
find it.
Matthew 16:24-25 – “Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever
wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow
me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their
life for me will find it.”
John 13:34 - “A new
command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one
another.
 |
| A photo I took before the service at Hillsong on Good Friday. |
