Hey friends,
Some of you reading this probably know that I've been working through concerns with my health over the past year. These last six months in particular have been some of the most physically, emotionally and spiritually challenging of my life.
I didn't expect to be sick, unemployed and living at home with my parents at the age of 23. If I had things my way, I would be healthy, working full time and living in a place of my own. Maybe I'd even still be in South Africa interning at Hillsong.
There are a lot of things that I've been angry, anxious and worried about lately.
I've been angry that it's taking this long to figure things out, and the lack of answers has been causing me to worry that there could be something seriously wrong.
I've been uneasy about taking time off to get well instead of working - somehow that has made me feel like I'm being unproductive or not living life "correctly." I've been giving myself "deadlines" for when I need to be well or have a job again, but I've become discouraged when I realize those won't be met.
I've been upset that it's hard for me to make plans because I never know when I'll be feeling all right or when I won't even want to get out of bed. I've been sad that I've had to spend so much time inside and away from friends and others I care about.
I've also been mad at myself for wanting to focus so much on the bad instead of wanting to be thankful and grateful for the good.
All of these things caused me to pull away from God. I slowly stopped reading my Bible, listening to sermons and praying. I even started to roll my eyes when people would say things like, "God's got you! Don't worry. Just ask Him to make you well!"
I was very aware that this was happening, but I just pushed it to the back of my mind because I didn't want to deal with or confront it.
I had a moment this weekend where I just couldn't keep all of that inside anymore. I prayed - seriously prayed - for the first time in a long time. I cried, yelled, and told God everything I was thinking and feeling.
As I was getting into bed that night, something told me to open up my "Jesus Calling" devotional book. My mom shared it with me awhile back, but I hadn't yet read a single page.
The passages written for the next two days spoke so much into my life and situation that I almost couldn't believe it. Here is the devotional for February 16:
Wow. How good is that? That message couldn't have been more timely for me. I was in a place where I desperately needed that reminder. Don't ever doubt that God hears your prayers and knows your heart.
I don't necessarily think that there's a "reason" for me being sick, but I do believe God will provide opportunities for purpose and meaning within our circumstances if we ask Him to. He can use us during our hard times just as much as He can during our good times.
It's ok to be angry. It's ok to be sad, confused and hurt. That's normal. That's part of being human. But we shouldn't allow ourselves to dwell on those thoughts and feelings to the point that it causes us to close ourselves off from God and hold ourselves back from our lives.
We have to seek Him. We have to allow Him to speak into our hearts.
That's where I have been falling so short over these last six months. I've been upset, anxious and walking in fear instead of thankful, patient and walking with Him.
That's where I'm starting today. I'm still praying for healing and answers, but instead of constantly worrying and looking forward past this time, I'm going to try and be more present by enjoying this time of rest, finding meaning and purpose where I'm at, and trusting and seeking Him.
I hope this post can be an encouragement to someone else who is currently going through a tough season of life. God sees you. He hears you. He loves you. Resist the temptation to pull away when things get hard and, instead, draw yourself closer to Him. Allow Him the chance to work.
Prayer Request: I have plans to see Jayhawks take on the Wildcats at the Sunflower Showdown with my dad and brother this Saturday. As silly as it may seem, I would appreciate prayers that I'll be feeling well enough to go! It will be the first big outing I've taken in six months, and I would love to be able to enjoy it with them. :) #RockChalk
Some of you reading this probably know that I've been working through concerns with my health over the past year. These last six months in particular have been some of the most physically, emotionally and spiritually challenging of my life.
I didn't expect to be sick, unemployed and living at home with my parents at the age of 23. If I had things my way, I would be healthy, working full time and living in a place of my own. Maybe I'd even still be in South Africa interning at Hillsong.
There are a lot of things that I've been angry, anxious and worried about lately.
I've been angry that it's taking this long to figure things out, and the lack of answers has been causing me to worry that there could be something seriously wrong.
I've been uneasy about taking time off to get well instead of working - somehow that has made me feel like I'm being unproductive or not living life "correctly." I've been giving myself "deadlines" for when I need to be well or have a job again, but I've become discouraged when I realize those won't be met.
I've been upset that it's hard for me to make plans because I never know when I'll be feeling all right or when I won't even want to get out of bed. I've been sad that I've had to spend so much time inside and away from friends and others I care about.
I've also been mad at myself for wanting to focus so much on the bad instead of wanting to be thankful and grateful for the good.
All of these things caused me to pull away from God. I slowly stopped reading my Bible, listening to sermons and praying. I even started to roll my eyes when people would say things like, "God's got you! Don't worry. Just ask Him to make you well!"
I was very aware that this was happening, but I just pushed it to the back of my mind because I didn't want to deal with or confront it.
I had a moment this weekend where I just couldn't keep all of that inside anymore. I prayed - seriously prayed - for the first time in a long time. I cried, yelled, and told God everything I was thinking and feeling.
As I was getting into bed that night, something told me to open up my "Jesus Calling" devotional book. My mom shared it with me awhile back, but I hadn't yet read a single page.
The passages written for the next two days spoke so much into my life and situation that I almost couldn't believe it. Here is the devotional for February 16:
Wow. How good is that? That message couldn't have been more timely for me. I was in a place where I desperately needed that reminder. Don't ever doubt that God hears your prayers and knows your heart.
I don't necessarily think that there's a "reason" for me being sick, but I do believe God will provide opportunities for purpose and meaning within our circumstances if we ask Him to. He can use us during our hard times just as much as He can during our good times.
It's ok to be angry. It's ok to be sad, confused and hurt. That's normal. That's part of being human. But we shouldn't allow ourselves to dwell on those thoughts and feelings to the point that it causes us to close ourselves off from God and hold ourselves back from our lives.
We have to seek Him. We have to allow Him to speak into our hearts.
That's where I have been falling so short over these last six months. I've been upset, anxious and walking in fear instead of thankful, patient and walking with Him.
That's where I'm starting today. I'm still praying for healing and answers, but instead of constantly worrying and looking forward past this time, I'm going to try and be more present by enjoying this time of rest, finding meaning and purpose where I'm at, and trusting and seeking Him.
I hope this post can be an encouragement to someone else who is currently going through a tough season of life. God sees you. He hears you. He loves you. Resist the temptation to pull away when things get hard and, instead, draw yourself closer to Him. Allow Him the chance to work.
Prayer Request: I have plans to see Jayhawks take on the Wildcats at the Sunflower Showdown with my dad and brother this Saturday. As silly as it may seem, I would appreciate prayers that I'll be feeling well enough to go! It will be the first big outing I've taken in six months, and I would love to be able to enjoy it with them. :) #RockChalk
